Becoming the Crone: Menopause, Marriage, and Transformation Manifested
“This time belongs to the crone.
She’s arriving into the greatest time of her life.
Creativity is blossoming, even exploding within her.
Everything now enters her crucible as wisdom.
She’s never felt more free than now and she’s never felt more empowered than now to be all of herself.
She has no image to safeguard.
She has a reservoir of energy like never before.
She’s the wise teacher our planet needs now.
She’s holding vital information.
From elderly, she’s becoming the elder…”
I, like many spiritual women, take issue with the derogatory connotation some have applied to the idea of the hag or the crone. A character who is withered and twisted by age, embittered and scorned.
In many mythologies and spiritual lineages, postmenopausal women are known to carry great wisdom. We are the “wise women”, the healers, the oracles. In the twilight of our lives, we are awakened and attuned to the guidance of Spirit. My own idea of a crone is the integration of my gifts of being an empath, HSP, psychic channel, and energy healer with those of the Hag-with-Attitude that blooms during menopause and the simplicity of living attuned to the cycles of nature (seasonality)..
(By the way – I read the book Hagitude: Reimagining the Second Half of Life by Dr. Sharon Blackie a few years ago and can’t recommend it enough. I saw so much of myself in this book and discovered new ways to orient myself to this powerful, spiritual time of life.)
The process of becoming this wise woman is often coupled with a great revelation or separation that propels us into a sometimes drastic transformation. In Ayurveda, it is said that women start turning inward in our mid-to-late-40’s. Whether or not we have connected with intuitive gifts in the past, we may attune to them now. We shed the demands that have been put upon us in our younger years, or even the ones we’ve chosen ourselves. From there, we begin this inward motion towards our own truth and autonomy.
Embodying Sovereignty At Menopause
The theme of the last few years in my life and my client’s lives was sovereignty - embracing and embodying the authority to live our lives with our Soul at the center. Now, with the imperative of learning to live with ourselves and our communities at the center, sovereignty is essential to our individual well-being and communal life. (More on this tricky balance in an upcoming blog.)
Putting our stake in the ground for ourselves and our sovereignty is a courageous act. It brings us into alignment with our highest good and that of everyone around us. It supports the evolution of each one of us and humanity as a whole, even when we can’t see how. It’s not an easy transition, and we don’t all make it with ease and grace! Some of us even fight against it. But there’s a point at which our bodies say, No. Not this, not anymore.
Our spirit and bodies can feel as strong as ever, but they just don’t want to do things at the pace we’ve done them before. There’s not necessarily anything wrong – no major disease, no tragic event necessary And for some, there are physical issues that dictate pace. Either way, this natural process of evolution and re-pacing ourselves is beautiful. Deepening. Enriching. We come almost to a complete stop before turning a corner. At this point, the pace picks up – but we do life differently. We choose to participate in the experiences our soul directs us towards, that our hearts pull us towards. Experiences that really matter to our soul, heart, and personality get our energy and attention. Everything else? Not so much.
Whether you are experiencing (peri)menopause or going through a different kind of transition, this kind of advice can be helpful: transitions take the time they take – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It’s our work to synchronize ourselves to the pace of the energy directing the transition.
Unsurprisingly, this can completely change the dynamics of many facets of our lives. This especially includes our relationships – and for many of us, our marriages/partnerships.
Menopause & Marriage
Even in the “healthiest” situations – where no “wrong” has been done, per se – the shifts of menopause can bring about the end of what we knew the relationship to be. This has been the case for not only my clients, but for me, too. My own marriage of 15 years began to unravel in the spring of 2023, when I had what Christopher Wallace, in Tantra Illuminated, calls “the second awakening”.
First I knew in my heart the marriage was ending. Then, I forgot in a way. I set the outcome I sensed aside and took it one day at a time. I began to take steps to distance myself - living on my own much of 2024 without demanding a divorce, observing how the process was unfolding right before my eyes. When I spoke aloud to Jacob that I wanted a divorce late in 2024 (ironically, on our anniversary), it began a challenging nine-month process (yup, 9 months to gestate and birth this new life of ours. Sound familiar?) that upended the life I shared with him.
Describing to him why I needed this change and following through on it was a courageous act, especially when I saw how confusing and painful it was for him. It took a team of friends, healers, therapists, and coaches to help me implement this change, process my own feelings, and be present to him – he deserved closure and healing just as much as I did.
I recently read an article on this subject by Linda Cooper, which inspired this piece in its way. One passage in particular stood out to me:
“He genuinely did not see it coming. Because no one, not his father, his friends, his doctor, not a single cultural narrative he has ever been exposed to, prepared him for what happens inside a woman at midlife.
He knows about hot flashes. He knows about mood swings. He has a vague, secondhand understanding that menopause is uncomfortable and that he should probably be patient.
But no one told him that the woman he married might reach a point where her entire nervous system, her identity, her unresolved history, and her deepest unlived truths all converge at once—and that the force of that convergence can level a life.”
As much as Jacob (a psychotherapist) and I are both in touch with our own inner worlds and modes of communication, the change was unexpected. Blindsiding, even. The shifts that come about during menopause are a serious shock to the system – a system that we shared.
Over time and with a lot of individual therapeutic, spiritual, and energy work, he and I settled into life in two households. We are living apart, divorced, but still family. We honor our history together and yet have transformed the day-to-day and future expectations. We are the dearest of friends and consider ourselves family. We have shown by example to our extended family how to stay connected and in relationship as we sort it out together.
With this shift, I find myself enjoying a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I found my own eating, sleeping, dog-walking, and financial rhythms that meet my physical and emotional body’s needs. And, it has been a boon for our relationship as he’s done the same.
I mourn the passing of the rituals, but feel relief in the opportunities to make meaning of my life unfolding on my own terms. Getting comfortable with this dichotomy has served me well as I’ve navigated perimenopause, menopause, and life post-menopause. Embracing the healing and transformation this period brought took courage, and riding the waves of the emotional and hormonal changes requires reliance on grace. But standing firm in the Self and surrendering to something larger is natural, and it’s medicine in its own way.
A Blessing From Spirit
I want to leave you with guidance I actually channeled about three years ago, that I rediscovered as I prepared to write this piece.
You are in a transition…slowing down in your home, personal, and social life. It’s a time of turning inward. It may feel depressive, but it’s not. It will be uncomfortable because it will be new. It’s not forever, but there is a distinct turning inward, retooling, slowing down where you are nourishing yourself, resisting that urge to be doing everything and seeing everybody.
Let go of FOMO.
It’s OK. They all still love you and appreciate you and will be there when you reemerge. You’ll come out the other side of this time noticing “Oh, wow. I feel better!”. But it requires all this, to slow down and readjust.
Menopause is a seismic shift in the being of anyone who experiences it, no matter how that experience manifests. You will transform. And no matter the circumstances of your experience – when you listen to your Soul’s calling, you will transform in alignment with what is meant to be.
If you’re seeking intuitive support and guidance as you navigate this transformation, my Refine & Align Monthly bookings open to new clients this August! Save your spot by booking a free Clarity Call with me before July 10 – if working together feels like a good fit, we can start on August 1st. ✨
